Author: On Zi Rui

 

 

 

Pamphlet Titled: Those poetries written in spurs of excitement ! 

 

 

 

Titled: I have never seen a girl so beautiful.

 

 

 

That midnight.

 

I had never seen this girl before.

 

She doesn’t frequent at this time, this cafe that I was a regular of, at this time.

 

But she has had my heart. Already.

 

Maybe I would had given up the universe for her if I knew her more.

 

She seemed kind, of my height and pleasantly smiling.

 

 

I couldn’t forget,

 

That scene of her tipping that old cleaner lady at the cafe.

 

That scene that she chatted with the old lady and asked of her health, family and her happiness relating to her work. I couldn’t had forgotten. It was kindness. True kindness.

 

Soon, I realised that she was a social worker in the day.

 

She must had gotten her concern for the elderly from her job.

 

This was the sort of girl that a player like me never did try before.

 

But I knew she was off-limits as I did have still some conscience.

 

 

I only did hurt those girls that were bad – or was that what I felt to be ?

 

Was I right ? Maybe I was wrong – from my later observations, girls mostly do become good when they grow older (so are their nature good which differs from my concepts of there being some sort of bad girls – are bad girls but momentarily ?) – seeing so many deepen Buddhist believers as older ladies, they seem to be trying to repent some sorts of faults – some might had even been flirtatious in their youths – I was into something – I knew – but I was no philosopher – so let’s end here on this.

 

 

This girl.

 

A social worker.

 

She was special.

 

I knew.

 

(I secretly took a photo of her and confirmed that she was photogenic, she must had given up on those promises of fame, glory and riches of this world to had remained true to her heart to remain a social worker. I could imagine easily, a scout earning millions from signing her up on some contracts. I really could imagine. A player like me had seen many beauties in my life, she was certainly a ‘big, big’ beauty.).

 

 

I never did see her again.

 

I guess nights must had been too rough for her.

 

She was just a gentle daffodil.

 

Maybe that’s all for the better.

 

That we were just simply strangers.

 

(A player like me didn’t deserve a girl like her. We belonged in different worlds. And fortunately did remain like but just passersby, in those but different worlds.).

 

 

She was really beautiful.

 

Really beautiful.

 

 

 

Titled: I once chased for the skies !

 

(I had achieved it. But in the end, maybe I had realised I was missing those simple goodnights and the right to look you upon your eyes. Maybe, I  didn’t need the world, this I but realised. Maybe it’s all too late, now. I might be lost, so lost and in turn I had finally see you go. We didn’t belong to each other, no more !).

 

 

 

It wasn’t enough for me then that you had forked out your heart and soul for me, then,

 

I left you in Guangdong and went to the states.

 

 

Now, I have already hurt you too badly too deeply,

 

Maybe you couldn’t find space to forgive, no more,

 

Now, I had just wanted you to see that I was a changed man (to see the change in terms of wanting you now to be by my side, which is in this case, but there are other changes too which I will mention),

 

But with the skies (whole industries) under me at that moment,

 

You might had also felt that I wasn’t the man that you had used to love.

 

Yes, I was now more ruthless, more certain, more determined than ever before,

 

I was no more that soft cuddly past, that was a little kid, that you had always wanted to protect.

 

But I had only did really love you.

 

I don’t quite know how to become the past now. The journey has worn me out. I saw betrayals from even the closes friends and family members, I saw men murder and torture just for their own sickening ends. I wasn’t who I was – that was in the past. 

 

(Maybe this was my form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – to put it in medical terms.).

 

 

Can we go back to the way we had loved in the past ?

 

The past that you loved.

 

I don’t know.

 

I am an industrial giant now,

 

I do feel the need to present myself as strong and grandiose at all times, somehow 

 

Its funny.

 

So I am not gentle now, no more.

 

But I do still want those simple goodnights and to be able to look you in the eyes maybe that will be my secret weakness !

 

 

Only time can tell.

 

I didn’t deserve to see you again when I let you go.

 

So I am already very happy with the current situation.

 

At least I still get to see you.

 

 

In this ending, to put it in words,

 

The skies didn’t matter to me.

 

You did.

 

Those stunning models didn’t matter to me.

 

You did.

 

Maybe, I do not know how to put it.

 

I am just sorry, just sorrily fucked up I was, to had left.

 

Only you did matter, you did truly matter to me.

 

 

I do not want a world without you, no more 

 

The world doesn’t dance, no more

 

The tears no more grandiose, no more 

 

Those sips of alcohol but meaningless, no more 

 

The world simply isn’t worth living if it’s without you !

 

I want you ! I really want you !

 

Don’t leave me in this sorry ass world alone, no fucking more !

 

Come back, you, who was always my most dearest !

 

 

 

Titled:  A Goddamn Funny World

 

(This poem is written from a perspective of a naive someone who is a ‘love’ fanatic. I however, believe in men having egos for the sake of racial and national achievements and security. Maybe this is just another side of me, a softer side. Also, laws and checks should be implemented by countries to protect elderlies from any abuse.).

 

 

 

We boys – we use to want the world so much, in our youths – the world, its trappings, they were those successes.

 

 

All I want to note shall be :

 

Maybe,

 

We never really needed the world. 

 

Those might had been just for the sake of  ‘face’.

 

Maybe,

 

All we had needed was someone that we had loved and that was truthful.

 

Can you imagine a Goddamn rich elderly man who has serious dementia, is no more mobile and has no loved ones beside ?

 

He will likely rely on some hired nurse.

 

But there are many cases of nurses abusing their patients – what can ascertain that this old man can escape such a fate ? 

 

A heart once touched by love will almost certainly not hurt its giver.

 

This old man then gets abused by this nurse that was disgusted by whatever he felt like picking out to be wrong of this old man.

 

Does this fragile old man regret not giving love to someone before, in this life ? Maybe to a partner or his own children ?

 

 

This world is sure intoxicating.

 

I am beginning to understand that what I had pursued since I was a teenager,

 

Is to end with the fact that everything is empty.

 

Those pursues are empty.

 

The sutras of the Buddha didn’t lie regarding this.

 

But to contradict 

 

I find 

 

The world is its truest when all is gone and we have come to know whether we have loved, loved before ?

 

Love can surpass everything, because it’s how we humans feel human. Those aches, those concerns, still have at least some faint impressions in my mind in my heart, they are just so marvellous. Can we call

it magnificence ?

 

 

I wanted the Heaven then.

 

In the end,

 

I was just a joke.

 

I played myself.

 

All I needed was love.

 

 

 

Titled: You were all that I had needed

 

 

 

Dreams without you were but despicable.

 

And not lovely. No more. 

 

 

I had only wished you the best.

 

But you know what ?

 

I am in so much pain now.

 

Without you,

 

Time stops, nights are eating me.

 

 

Crossing the streets, I attempted to picture something.

 

Those neon lights were shining brightly on it 

 

They just brought up so many memories, of you.

 

You use to work as a bartendress, I would pick you up from work under these neon lights, many times you gave up offers of a high payment, to sell your body, when you were asked of so during your shifts, it must had been because of me, you were a really really decent girl !

 

Now I am without you, this broken home, that I am trying to piece together. But it always fall apart when I am so close to salvaging, it must be because I am missing the female owner of this home.

 

My gangsterism didn’t hurt you. You didn’t look down on my occupation. But in the end, me showing my softest lustful side to another woman, did. It did hurt you.

 

The seductions that came, with power and my position, did end our love.

 

I conquered many territories in these Hong Kong streets, with nothing but my guts,

 

I was an efficient fighter leader from those fucking dreamless slums,

 

I was forced onto the streets, but I wasn’t forced to love you ! I loved you because I truly could love someone and could throw my life away for this someone.

 

That was the difference.

 

 

I have money laundered all my proceeds now as I knew that was the only way to give you honour – with many large and legitimate money making businesses.

 

I bought a skyscraper building.

 

My company occupied the top floor.

 

Then, in my office, I looked out of the tall windows with parts shining with brilliance at times, the view of the city under my feet, this feeling was overwhelming, but it’s only for at first, because a slum boy had achieved so so much, but you know what ? When I was that slum boy – you never did despise me – you even gave me love.

 

 

The difference was,

 

You were my choice.

 

You had given me this choice,

 

Never fearing of being rejected by this once dirty kid, then.

 

I never did forget that you could have chose that finance father kid who was head over heels you during our teenage years – those years – but you didn’t.

 

You chose this ‘later becoming of a hooligan’ who you then gave your everything to, he didn’t appreciate it. This was in the end.

 

Sorry. 

 

 

It became clear.

 

You were all that was godsend to me, and I utterly fucked it all up.

 

All that I had needed, all along, was you, that you !